This is Gonna Hurt Like Hell
by Mindy35
Summary: Jack/Liz. Some things are temporary.
1. Chapter 1

Title: This is Gonna Hurt Like Hell

Author: Mindy

Rating: T adult concepts

Disclaimers: Characters are property of Tina Fey et al. Title and lyrics are from Sarah McLachlan's 'Hold On' and used without permission.

Spoilers: "Ludachristmas".

Pairing: Jack/Liz, minor Liz/Pete.

Summary: Some things are temporary.

I.

"_Hold on. Hold on to yourself, _

_For this is gonna hurt like hell._

_Hold on. Hold on to yourself, _

_You know that only time will tell…"_

Jack never thought much about losing Lemon.

If he did, he imagined her marrying, losing her to another man. Otherwise, he could picture them drifting apart once _TGS_ ended, which it inevitably would and fairly soon. He always suspected there would come a time when Liz was not a part of his daily life. When she wasn't first on his speed dial. When she wasn't his assumed plus one to last minute invitations. When he couldn't just ride down a few floors and jab a thumb at her office whenever he wished to talk with her.

Some things are temporary. He understood that. So in a way, he almost expected to lose her. One day.

He just wasn't ever prepared for it to happen this way. He is not equipped to deal with this. Never thought he'd have to be. But then, he supposes, no one ever is or does.

In the beginning, Liz approached her illness with the same irreverence and humor that she applied to the rest of her life. And her family at 30 Rock instantly gathered around her. They bolstered her confidence, joined in her joviality. And believed her every assertion that this was something that would pass, something she could beat.

And she still might.

To say Jack was rattled by hearing the news of her illness was an understatement. She told him in person, of course. But like everyone else, he felt it his responsibility to remain supportive and positive at all times, to hide his shock. His fears. The truth was, it didn't seem fair. If it were him, he could look back on a cavalcade of challenges and achievements, adventures and liaisons. Liz's life, however, barely seemed to have begun. Even at the age of thirty-eight, her astounding naiveté and juvenile vocabulary gave the impression of someone far too young to be going through what she was going through. And Jack knew more than anyone all the dreams she'd hoped for, but had not realized. How much more there was left for Liz Lemon to experience.

Not that they talked about such things. Their relationship stayed fairly much the same. Close but casual. They talked mostly about work and any talk of the future was abstract and didn't venture too far into the uncertain. Lemon continued working. Even as her always small frame became smaller and frailer, making her clothes hang off her. Even as her skin became paler and her eyes became darker. Even when her hair began to fall out, Liz continued working. She wore a purple wool hat on cold days. The rest of the time it was baseball caps. Until one day, she arrived at work with a colorful scarf covering a completely shorn head.

After that, she worked less and less. Pete had to fish her off the ladies room floor, her head out of the toilet bowl on a regular basis. Jenna vacated her dressing room at the same time every afternoon so that Liz could take her daily nap. And Kenneth would guard the door, attempting to keep the corridors outside as quiet as possible.

Jack did whatever he could. He accommodated her work wise and made sure she had the finest treatment in the country. But still he felt there was more he could do, more he should do. Something else he wanted to do. He just didn't know what was required. And this was one predicament he couldn't negotiate or buy or charm his way out of. All he could do was watch. And pray. And for the first time since he was a kid, that's what he found himself doing. Late one night, he found himself in a church, slouched in one of the pews as he prayed for his best friend.

He knows all about her illness. In the theoretical sense. He knows the terms and causes and treatments. He knows the various stages and symptoms that present. He knows the drugs she must be taking and the foods she should eating. Not because she's told him but because he's done his own research. Because he wants to know, he wants to understand. He wants to lessen the uncertainty, the mystery surrounding it. Somehow he thinks this will make him less anxious. Or perhaps he is just hoping to find some magic thing to prove to himself, and to her, that eventually she will be fine.

Jack never finds that thing. But he keeps looking.

It's not that Liz tries to keep her condition a secret. Everyone knows. Even the teamsters know. But what no one really knows is how bad it is, how awful she might be feeling one day to the next. Nobody knows whether they should be counting the days or preparing for the worst. Not even her closest friends know that. Not even Jack knows what to expect, when.

Pete keeps a careful eye on her, reports to Jack informally. Not that it comforts either of them. They're both equally in the dark. Equally powerless. Equally concerned. And equally determined to allow Liz to handle everything in her own way, in whatever time she may have left. Neither knows how long that will be, neither wants to even speculate on how long it might be. They simply nod at each other assuringly and mumble that Liz is fine, Liz seems fine. And perhaps she is. For now.

But some things are only temporary.

_TBC..._


	2. Chapter 2

Title: This is Gonna Hurt Like Hell

Author: Mindy

Rating: M

Disclaimers: Characters are property of Tina Fey et al. Title and lyrics are from Sarah McLachlan's 'Hold On'.

Spoilers: "Ludachristmas".

Pairing: Jack/Liz.

Summary: Some things are temporary.

II.

"_My Love, you know that you're my best friend, _

_You know I'd do anything for you._

_My Love, let nothing come between us, _

_My love for you is strong and true…"_

Jack is there the day she collapses. He's always kept a close eye on _TGS_. More because of his affection for it's head writer than for his commitment to comedy. His interest has increased with Lemon's illness, although he blames it on poor ratings, to save her pride. Normally, he wouldn't attend rehearsal, but it's the season finale. Somehow he senses that Liz has been waiting for it, holding on for it. He suspects she's been keeping the end of season in mind, as a personal milestone for herself to reach.

She almost makes it too.

She's laughing as she steps down from the stage after giving the actors new pages. Pete holds her elbow as she does. And from further back, Jack notices her smile falter, her knees buckle ever so slightly. Pete scans her face, asks if she's okay, to which she nods. So he lets her go, returns his attention to the sketch. The atmosphere on stage is lively and high energy. The season is near its end, the skit is one of Lemon's best and everyone is focused on Jenna's increasingly funny readings of her lines. So much so that no one notices Liz sway on her feet or her body suddenly plummet.

Jack notices. He catches her before she hits the floor. Mid-quip, Jenna vaults out of her seat, crying her friend's name. And a hush floods the room as everyone turns.

She barely even feels like Liz. She's as light as a child as he carries her. She's not a woman, she's not human. She's mere breath and bones in his arms. There's next to nothing left of the woman he knows, the friend he loves. He's never handled anything so delicate, never been more careful with any one thing as he is with what remains of the frame that still houses the life force of Liz Lemon.

She's out cold as he lays her down on Jenna's couch. Jenna covers her with a blanket then immediately goes to call her doctor. Kenneth gets a juice box from the fridge and hovers behind Jack expectantly. Pete ushers everyone else away from the entrance and gives Jack one last look as he shuts the door.

He's never felt so helpless, so hopeless, as he stands over her unconscious body. Kenneth asks him if he's all right and he sees his own panic mirrored in the page's earnest face. Jenna re-enters, laying a wet washcloth over Liz's forehead, and Jack wonders if he should leave. Women are generally better in this sort of situation. Even Jenna appears to know what to do. But within a minute, Liz's eyes drift open, so he stays. Jenna smiles and helps her sit up, then helps her take off her cardigan when she says she's too hot. Jack tries not to notice the way the bones of her collar and shoulders stick out in sharp contrast against her skin.

Stepping forward, he asks her if there's anything he can do. She doesn't look up as she tells him to get her a bucket or something because she's going to blorch. He does. And she does. Her head is still bent over, her body retching as he indicates to Kenneth that they should go. Kenneth hands the juice box to Jenna who stays with her, one hand on her back as she murmurs soothing words.

When he visits her in the hospital, she is sitting up in bed, her brown eyes bright and a smile on her face. Pete and Paula are there, Paula arranging flowers. Josh and Cerie sit on the end of the bed, Lutz and Frank slouch nearby and Liz wears an oversized baseball cap, presumably a gift from Frank. It's bright pink and reads in big black letters: 'No Pity Party'.

After a fair amount of slightly forced but mostly genuine banter, the others have to leave to tape the show. As they go, Liz accepts a hug or kiss from each of them, even Lutz, all of them giving their version of cheerful encouragement. When they are left alone, Liz smiles at Jack and thanks him for the flowers he sent. The massive arrangement he contributed takes up an entire corner of the private room he also organised for her. She asks if he'll stay and watch the show with her. Jack, of course, stays.

He has already arranged for Jonathan to bring by dinner for them, from _Plunder_, no less. Liz is amazed when she sees the bags of expensive cuisine arrive, all fragrant and exciting. He doesn't know how she can still be amazed that he can pull these things off. Because there's no one he enjoys doing these things for more than her. No one he does them for more frequently, or more freely.

They chat and eat as they wait for _TGS_ to come on. At least, Jack eats. And tries not to note how little passes Lemon's lips. She seems fairly cheerful though, if tired. She keeps nodding off during the show. And he has to wake her up for the close – a song sung by Jenna and Tracy and Josh and dedicated especially to her. At the end of which, the whole cast waves at the screen, jumping up and down and cheering. Jenna shouts: 'See you next season!' as the credits roll.

At this, Liz turns to him. "We _are_ coming back next season. Right, Jack?"

Jack smiles at her and nods. "Absolutely."

_TBC..._


	3. Chapter 3

Title: This is Gonna Hurt Like Hell

Author: Mindy

Rating: M

Disclaimers: See part one.

Spoilers: "Ludachristmas".

Pairing: Jack/Liz.

Summary: Some things are temporary.

III.

_"So now you're sleeping peaceful,_

_I lie awake and pray you'll be strong tomorrow_

_And we'll see another day and we will praise it…"_

When Liz is discharged, Jack sees her home from the hospital. He didn't want her taking a cab. Or arriving home alone. The traffic is bad and it takes twice as long as it should to reach her place. As soon as she walks in the door, she makes a beeline for the bedroom and crawls under the covers with a long groan of relief.

Jack follows. He piles the pillows under her head, then sits down on the edge of the bed. He's aware that he's doing what everyone has been avoiding doing. What _he_ especially has avoided doing for months, what he knows he's not supposed to do. He's looking at her like he might lose her, like he doesn't want to lose her. He's looking at her like he normally wouldn't, like he wishes to memorise her. Or like he loves her. Because he does. And he doesn't know how to be with her anymore and not let it show. He doesn't even know why he should.

Strangely, thankfully, Liz doesn't care. She doesn't recoil. She doesn't draw attention to it with awkward chatter. All the rules of their relationship have changed. Slowly but irrevocably. He's not sure why they had rules in the first place, how they eventuated or what made him stick to them for as long as he did. They seem exceedingly trivial now, especially considering how much he feels for her, how much he's always cared for Liz.

She blinks at him, her gaze forthright and fond. And she is the one to reach out to him. She runs a hand down his arm, over his sleeve. Just lightly, casually, just as a friend would, and as she does, she thanks him for bringing her home. He smiles. Puts out a hand. Covers hers. And for a moment, he lets his eyes drift over her features. He looks at her, and she looks back. For once, nothing between them, neither of them avoiding.

She doesn't lean in as he leans in. She remains still, hands in her lap, dark eyes watching him. But she tips her head to one side as his mouth touches down against hers. Once, and lightly. And as he kisses her a second time, she lifts a hand, runs it up his arm, over his shirtsleeve. And something about that -- just her hand, Liz's hand on his clothes while his mouth joins hers -- breaks his heart. He lifts that hand and kisses it too, looking into her eyes.

Without hesitating, Liz shifts over in her bed, a question in her eyes. He's not sure what she's offering – perhaps she's not sure – but he lifts the bedclothes and climbs in anyway. She takes in a breath as he settles on his side, facing her. Then she releases it, gaze running over his face. After several moments of them lying side by side in silence, Liz shifts closer. Jack kisses her again. It's all he wants to do.

Actually, it's not all he wants to do. What he really wants is to make love to her, then and there. He doesn't feel like he should want her, or want that, but he does. Not in the way he's wanted to sleep with other women in the past. What he's feeling is not passion or lust or desire, although he has felt all of those things for Liz without completely realizing why. What he feels now though, is something beyond that, beyond what he's ever felt for any person. He feels such a profound tenderness, such an intimate connection with her that he could be with her, touch her, lie with her, share her breath in exactly this way until dawn, if that's what she wanted.

He isn't sure what it is she does want. He is being respectful, careful in touching her. And even if he didn't have his hands wrapped around her neck and waist, he only needs to look at her to see that her body is fragile, depleted. He can't imagine her wanting to exert herself, wanting to expose herself. He can't imagine her having much of an appetite for this kind of activity. Yet, there is an underlying urgency to what they are doing. There is a rawness, a simplicity, now that everything has been stripped away.

But he doesn't want to ruin what is already so beautiful, so meaningful. He wants to be in this moment, cherish every second with her. He will be happy with just this, only this. Even as part of him aches to show her, to tangibly prove to her exactly how he feels. Part of him wants to try to bring her back to life, wants to give her what she's never had. Because they're both aware at this point, that there really is nothing left to lose.

He continues to kiss her. But he moves away from her mouth. He kisses her cheek, her jaw, up over the scarf wrapped around her forehead. He can't stop muttering her first name with his eyes closed. And as she tips her head back into the pillow and stretches her neck for him, he rolls her onto her back, one hand still at her waist. He tucks his nose into the little nook where her jaw meets her ear and breathes her in. Then he rolls her further, gently, hands creeping under her t-shirt as he starts to kiss down her back.

Before he even gets halfway down, Liz pushes back against him in the bed, her back meeting his front. She whispers his name, reaches a hand back for him and he immediately moves back up her body so her mouth can open under his. He pulls her against him, her small body, as close as he can get her, both his hands inside her shirt, spanning her ribcage. He knows she must be able to feel the evidence of his arousal in his pants, resting against her, but they continue their slow, lazy caresses and explorative kisses, until Jack needs her so much he has to say something.

He licks his lips before whispering in her ear: "I want to touch you."

"So touch me," she whispers back.

One of his hands immediately slips down, under the waistband of her sweats and panties and between her legs, to where she is already wet from their actions. She sighs deeply then squirms against him as he starts to rub her. It creates the most incredible friction against his crotch and he groans as he runs his tongue over her shoulder, drinking in her essence. He watches as her breathing quickens, and when her body starts to tense against him, he urges her to relax. She does, letting her climax come to her, letting herself ride the gentle wave as he holds her.

Afterwards, they are still. Eventually, Liz rolls over, looks him in the eye with that same direct, warm gaze. And he's not sure he's ever loved anyone so much in any single moment as he loves her right then.

She helps undress him and then he helps undress her, although she hesitates to take off her shirt. He can understand why. She's shockingly thin. But he wants to see her, wants to touch and kiss her, just as she is now. He doesn't care about anything other than that it's her and she deserves to feel as loved as she is. And to him, she is beautiful. He couldn't possibly see her as anything else. He wants her to see it too, to know it.

When he's done showing her that, when he's covered every inch of her torso with his breath and kiss, and they are both back on their sides, facing each other, he draws her leg up round his hip and starts to ease inside her. Liz has her face against his chest the whole time. One of her hands moves over him, sometimes slipping round to his back or down to his buttocks. But her face stays buried in his chest as he enters her. Once he is embedded inside her, she presses her lips against him, once, twice, three times and a fourth time, much longer. He presses his lips to her headscarf, the only thing she wouldn't take off for him.

Liz holds on tight as he starts to move. Gently, so gently, and slowly. And there is pleasure, incredible pleasure, for both them. But there's something else, something extra and inexplicable. Something that only comes with knowing someone, and with not knowing how long you might have with them.

Liz sleeps afterwards, deep and long. Jack stays, not sleeping. And when her eyes pop open all of a sudden, breaking her slumber, she looks up at him and tells him she loves him.

_TBC..._


	4. Chapter 4

Title: This is Gonna Hurt Like Hell

Author: Mindy

Rating: M

Disclaimers: See part one.

Spoilers: "Ludachristmas".

Pairing: Jack/Liz.

Summary: Some things are temporary.

IV.

"_Am I in heaven here or am I in hell?"_

Jack wants to take her out of the city for the summer. She can't travel far, so he takes her home. They rent a little cottage in White Haven and spend most of their time with her family. Liz and Mitch play every board game known to man whilst Dick and he watch golf and football on television. Margaret flutters about, endlessly trailed by Champy, taking care of everyone and revelling in it.

For the most part, it feels like a regular family vacation. Not that Jack's ever had a regular family vacation. But it feels like what he imagined it would feel like. Except for the fact that the love of his life must carry various pills around in her purse and barely goes a day without barfing her meals away. Or that she still won't take her headscarf off when they're making love. Or that he can't tell sometimes whether she really is fine and having fun or just pretending to be fine and having fun. Liz assures him it's the former.

One morning, as they are waking up together, happily entwined, the birds outside singing and the sun already high in the sky, Jack thinks it's the perfect time to suggest they get married. Liz thinks he's joking and continues dozing. But when he mentions the idea to Margaret, she squeals with delight, and eagerly offers for them to have the ceremony in Liz's childhood backyard. Then she rushes up the stairs to get her own wedding dress from the back of her closet. Sitting on the floor, playing Monopoly with Mitch and patting Champy, Liz shakes her head at him and still thinks he's joking.

She ceases to think he's joking when he starts inviting all their friends from New York to the event. At which point, she performs a minor meltdown that Jack resolves by kissing her. This seems effective, but she adamantly refuses to be married in her mother's wedding dress, which is fine by Jack. Cerie collects and brings her ham napkin from New York. But when it arrives, it no longer fits her, something that Liz shrugs off. She says she can't get married in her backyard in a four thousand dollar gown anyway.

The night before they marry, Liz comes to bed without her headscarf on. He's seen her without it before, but she tells him she wants him to be aware of what he is getting hitched to. Jack tells her he is aware. He removes her nightie. Kisses her between the legs until her body experiences bliss. And then tries, like he always does, not to think it's the last time when he makes love to her.

She wears a simple sundress and a wide-brimmed hat. He doesn't even wear a jacket or tie for them to exchange their vows. The day is mercilessly hot but clear and cloudless. Champy keeps humping Jenna's leg and there aren't many seats, so some of their friends have to stand in the shade of the trees Liz climbed as a kid. There is no walking down the aisle as there is no aisle. And the Justice of the Peace is late so they just gather around once he arrives. Unfortunately, he refers to her once as 'Lez' but it's a mere slip of the tongue. Mitch does his part and remembers the rings. It's at this point that both Margaret and Dick begin to cry. No else allows themselves to.

For their honeymoon, they go to the hospital.

When _TGS_ returns for the subsequent season, Liz doesn't return with it. After their marriage, Jack had all her belongings packed up and moved into his apartment, which is where she now spends most of her time. She still watches the show and occasionally, she will call or email Pete with a sketch idea. One of the most successful to make it to air is set in a hospital ward. Which is where she spends the remainder of her time.

Jack tells her he loves her everyday before he goes to work. And she tells him everyday that she's feeling better. This, he wants to believe. When people at work ask how she is doing, he always tells them that Liz is 'better everyday'. His faith – and hers – is validated when he meets her for lunch one day after her doctor's appointment. She's wearing her purple hat and a small, happy smile when he arrives. It's the first time either of them has even mentioned the word remission.

Jack can't help surging to his feet, pulling her into a hug, right in the middle of the over-crowded bistro. If it were a bar he would've shouted everyone drinks. But it's not, so everyone gets a bagel on him, whatever kind they want, even blueberry. He doesn't care, he'll buy the whole blessed city a bagel of their choosing. Because at last, his wife is well.

Liz is back at work by the end of the season. They watch the finale together. From the studio floor, this time. He doesn't even care that the show isn't that funny. He laughs anyway, rather loudly as Jenna, Josh and Tracy do what they do best. Act like unbridled idiots. Off to one side, towards the back, he stands with Liz, her back against his front and his arms wrapped around her.

His hands rest on the stomach that soon he wants to fill with a child. Liz's doctor has given them every possible assurance that the debilitating disease that had taken such a hold on her, that threatened to take her from him, was itself only a temporary thing and shouldn't return. As such, he has given them the go ahead, so they've officially started trying. Since going into remission, her body has filled out some and her hair has already started to grow back, darker and curlier than before. In her eyes also, there is the rare gleam of someone who has been to the brink and come back with an altered view of life. A life that now includes him, at her side and in her heart.

As Jenna sings them out for another year, Liz turns in his arms, smiling up at him in the dark. He smiles back as her arms snake around his neck and she pulls him down for a kiss. He kisses her with all the passion he held back in those uncertain months, grips her tight, as if he'll never let go. And he never will. Hopefully, he'll never have to. At least, not for a very long time. Not until they've lived their life.

Before the post-show chaos and celebration erupts, Liz pulls back and asks if he wants to get out of there. Jack knows this is her way of suggesting they go home and make love for the rest of the night. Or as long as they'll both last. He takes her hand and instantly heads for the exit.

Moments later, the cheering and farewelling commences.

As they walk down the corridor, hand in hand, Liz asks: "We are coming back next season. Right, Jack?"

Jack looks over at her and smiles. "Absolutely."

_END. _


End file.
